I've looked at clouds from both sides now

 October 2022

October seems to be the month where the train fell off the rails again for the year. At first, it was just busy with the normal things plus a trip to South Dakota for Noah and Emma's wedding. Then my grandma suddenly passed away while we were there. It took a long time to get to a place of normalcy again after that. 

Adaline being silly while trying on dresses for the wedding. 

I love what good friends these two are. They might be oldest and youngest in a family of 4, but they are still just barely 5 years apart.

Michael is always wearing a belt. Often it's just some ribbon or string tied around his hips that he uses to carry around all of his treasures

I was surprised walking out of the library one day to find pictures of my kids from a few years back in the display case

Headed to South Dakota! Luckily, the wedding weekend lined up with my kids' fall break, so we got to be there for almost a week and only miss one day of school. 

We had a relaxed few days while waiting for everyone else to come into town. We explored some local parks and open spaces, took rides on my dad's motorcycle, examined "treasures" under a microscope with my dad, and helped get things ready for the weekend festivities.

Adaline went to the activity night at the church with Chloe and my mom. I think the girls' strategy was to get as much candy on their plate as possible.

Cousin time is the best time! Michael is so sweet with babies/toddlers and seems to loove spending time with them or help take care of them. Adaline and Lydia are pretty much attached at the hip when there together, and all my boys were so happy once Nate and Max got there. It's so fun to see my kids be friends with my siblings kids. I cannot wait for the next renunion!

Noah and Emma's wedding was absolutely lovely. They looked amazing (and so so happy) and they threw a banging dance party afterward. It was so fun to celebrate them and rock out until way past our bedtimes. I am so thrilled for them and excited to get to know my new sis-in-law better. 

hot couple alert

We're missing the youngest in this picture, but when did all these siblings of mine grow up?? 

We've added so many awesome people to our group!

Embarrassing my dad while singing all the dirty words and dancing with him is a new core memory for me. And he clearly loved it.

We all shoved our feelings about grandma aside in order to celebrate the wedding and just make it through the weekend. Our family left the next day and as soon as we started driving and there were no more distractions or things that we needed to do, it all came crashing down. I felt like I spent the whole trip home crying off and on at completely inappropriate times. I wasn't ready not to have my grandma anymore. I'm sure no one is ever ready, and I felt robbed of so much time, and laughter, and conversations. It also felt like I was going the wrong direction. I wanted to stay where I was and at least get to cry with my siblings and parents who were also hurting. I didn't want to go home and back to real life and be sad by myself. 

    We made it back to CA very tired at 1am and had a fun surprise when our car wouldn't start. Thankfully the parking lot attendant was very kind and helped us get on our way and by the time we got home we basically stumbled to our beds and passed out. I'm so glad we were able to take this trip where we got to celebrate Noah and Emma and also spend a few extra days with my family, but it also turned out to be a very exhausting trip and it was good to be home. 

Adaline continuing her school project on South Dakota

Michael's first field trip landed on his birthday! I got to take him to the pumpkin patch with his class and then later in the day we had cake (Andrew knocked it out of the park again with a "sharp tooth" from Land Before Time) and he opened a couple presents. 

Michael is such a fun kid. He loves to make jokes and be silly, and he's also super smart. He has recently started to have the gears click into place with reading, and he loves math and says the math at school is all too easy. His teacher spent his whole conference bragging about how responsible Michael is and how he's so great to have in class. He is natural athletic and once came home from school with two dollars because he "won two races". He says he's the fastest kid in his class. He still gives the best hugs and initiates hugs the most often of all my kids. He likes to brush my hair and give me hair-dos, which I also love. He's just a lot of fun to be around. 

I had pretty much stopped running after the trip out to South Dakota- I just didn't feel up to it emotionally. But, I had already paid to run a trail 10K and that was enough motivation I needed to keep me moving at least a little bit. I didn't feel great going into the race, but between good weather and a very small turnout, I managed to win my age group and get 3rd place for females. It was lots of fun and I definitely want to do more trail running in the future. 

Halloween shenanigans:

Uncle Harris told my kids that as long as they stayed away from his legos while we were in SD, he would get them each their own lego set. The kids had a blast putting together the Hogwarts chests that he got them.

Monster muffins for breakfast- it worked, they ate breakfast!

and a Jack-o-lantern quesadilla because I was just on fire today

Trick or treating was surprisingly fun this year and our kids seemed so fast compared to the last time we took them around (because that would have been pre-pandemic).

I'm writing this post on January 23, 2023. Now that I've had some time and space from my grandma's death, I wanted to record some thoughts:

I miss my grandma a ton. It was easy to feel like she never aged because she was already 60 when I was born and kept the same haircut basically her whole life. She was "old" when I was born, and never looked like she was getting older to me. Because of all that, I don't think I would have seen her death coming even if she lived to 150 years old. I felt run over by the news, but when I think about her now and I try to bottle her up into words, a couple of things quickly come to mind. 

    She was an amazing listener. When she asked me how I was doing or what I had going on in my life, or for my opinion on something, she gave me her complete attention. She listened without judgement and had follow up questions that let me know she was really listening and really cared. 

    She laughed easily. I know I'm not especially hilarious, but one conversation with my G'ma Peggy always left me feeling like the funniest person on earth. I've reflected lately on what a joyful way to live it is when you are always ready to laugh as soon as you're given the opportunity. I think the world would feel so lighthearted if more of us lived that way. 

    Along that same line, my grandma was a great sport-she was game for anything. Not just the hundreds of games of Scrabble, Yahtzee, and Rummikub that we played around her table (where she was competitive but a gracious winner or loser) but also all the silly things that she was willing to go along with. We would dress her up or do her hair and she just laughed her way through it. At family reunions she encouraged (forced?) all of us to do silly little skits or numbers, and she was right there putting on her own ridiculous act. She didn't take herself so seriously that she missed out on the fun-she was always right there in it with us. 

    At the same time, she was also put together at all times-always well dressed and confident in the space she took up. Even, or perhaps especially, in my adult years I marveled at her straight forward way of asking for what she wanted at a store or restaurant with absolutely no shame or worry about imposing. Her home was always clean and smelled like whatever delicious food she had most recently made. She accommodated visitors and dinner guests at the level of a fancy hotel. 

    Looking through some of the pictures of us together, I noticed how close together we were in most of them. She was so good at welcoming people into her space. She never shrunk away from a hug or a head massage, even if she was in the middle of doing something. I think it was a physical manifestation of how she made people feel. I felt so comfortable and safe around her, and I got to watch her give that same gift to my kids. I guess that's part of why it hurts so much to lose her. Going to visit her has always felt like going home. When you grow up in a lot of different places, home becomes people rather than any certain places, and now I feel like one of my few homes is gone. 

    I choose to believe that I'll see her again one day, because I don't know if I want to exist in a reality where I don't. It gives me hope and makes it easier to wake up and keep going. I think about her every day and still get bowled over by grief at times. She was just an amazing woman, someone I aspire to be like in so many ways. Words will never be adequate to capture her spirit, and no amount of time with her would have ever been enough. I'm grateful for the time that we had. In a weird way, I can recognize that the only way to not feel so much grief would have been not to have a close relationship-and that certainly wouldn't have been a worthwhile trade off. I love you Granny Peg. I hope they have Rummikub and cheesecake in heaven.